Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering...
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go,
they take your house and car.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse
he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
I now pronounce you man and wife."
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down
the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride
kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage,
The bride gave him back his credit card.
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a
fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to
God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
